One Easy Trick for Creating Inter-Planetary Unity
by Emily Randall, winner of Mission Together short story contest
To: Keplian Council
From: Director Keral Akiyama
As of yesterday, I have arrived at the Interstellar Exploration Center of Magdalena, and am pleased to report that all is in readiness for the first group of recruits to arrive. Not to sound boastful, but Kepler has outdone itself this time – with this center, we will finally heal the rifts between our planets once and for all, and I am sure the missions will find valuable resources in no time. I am honored to represent Kepler here, and I will strive to ensure that everything runs smoothly from here on out.
Akiyama, out.
To: Keplian Council
From: Director Akiyama
Honorable council members, may I ask how the recruits were chosen? The candidates for Mission One seem… peculiar, and not just due to the body mods of the Rheians. I expected them to understand how vital these missions are, but some of them persist in challenging my authority at every turn. While I am sure we can get the missions to run on time, I fear for their long-term stability.
If you can, please re-assess the screening procedures before mission three’s recruits are chosen.
Akiyama, out.
To: Keplian Council
From: Director Akiyama
Counselors, did you update the screening procedures yet? Mission Three’s recruits arrived two weeks ago, and the sluts and demons good citizens of Rhea and Deimos are the worst bunch of brats quite difficult. I don’t think the Deimians even realize they lost the war! If I have to suspend one more of them for fighting, the mission is going to be in great jeopardy. I realize we want this to be an inter-planetary success, but, at the very least, we need to heavily improve our selection criteria.
Akiyama, out.
To: Keplian Council
From: Director Akiyama
These brats have no notion of the meaning of a contract! Five of them stormed into my office today, demanding, and I quote, “More free time, technology upgrades, and the ability to decorate their quarters.” (The last being Rheians, of course.) Don’t they understand how scarce resources are right now?
When I failed to give into their demands, the morlocks Deimians organized a blockade of my office. And, though I haven’t seen it for myself, I’ve heard reports that the cocksuckers Rheians have painted the gymnasium with every color of glitter paint they could make. The Keplians are behaving perfectly, of course, but they struggle to keep focused in all this chaos. If you could spare an instructor or two to assist, that would be much appreciated.
Akiyama, out.
To: Keplian Council
From: Director Akiyama
Councilors, did you receive my last message? The situation has grown worse here – Mission Four’s recruits have joined in, and a few Keplians – yes, Keplians! – have been seduced into joining as well. I have managed to free myself from my office, but the Deimians have constructed some sort of electric fence around the administrative building. For the past few days, I’ve been subsisting on nothing but peanuts and protein packs.
On the bright side, this does seem to be encouraging inter-planetary cooperation, but it is not a tenable situation. Please send assistance at once.
Akiyama, out.
To: Keplian Council
From: Director Akiyama
Alright, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned the bright side. You want to let this experiment continue? You did read the part where I said they’d blockaded me into my own building, right?
Akiyama, out.
To: Keplian Council
From: Director Akiyama
Yes, I have supplies now – a few sympathetic Keplians signed a contract to provide me with food in exchange for immunity once I am free. But the situation remains dire. Why did you send me the recruits for Mission Five? I do not need more chaos here! We are already weeks behind schedule for Missions Three and Four, and the little cocksuckers Rheians are threatening to convert the shuttles into art displays if their demands aren’t met.
Please, if you want the center to survive, send aid.
Akiyama, out.
To: Keplian Council
From: Director Akiyama
What do you mean, this is doing more to create inter-planetary unity than anything I’ve done? I resent that remark! Since I arrived at this center, I have done my utmost to uphold every term in my contract, despite the worst conditions I have ever been subject to in my career as an educator. Perhaps some of you would care to try to instill order here?
Akiyama, out.
To: Keplian Council
From: Director Akiyama
My contract provides a clear set of conditions under which I may be fired, honorable councilors, and those have not been met yet. The center still stands, and – I am proud to report – Missions Three and Four have finally departed. Yes, behind schedule, but they still left, and both of the first missions are reporting back great successes.
Furthermore, I challenge that you have not upheld your side of the contract – where is the support you promised? I expect a full accounting in your next missive.
Akiyama, out.
To: Keplian Council
From: Director Akiyama
No, I made no ‘underhanded deals’ with the students to get the missions to depart, how dare you? They simply saw reason at long last. And, no, I have not given over day-to-day control of the center to a group of recruits – I do not know what reports you’ve been receiving, but they are severely flawed.
Akiyama, out.
To: Keplian Council
From: Director Akiyama
You know, it is generally considered common courtesy to fire someone in person, rather than have their replacement pass on the news. I sincerely hope the new director does not meet with such intransigence.
I will see you in court shortly for breach of contract.
Akiyama, out.
